The content on Tiny Buddha is designed to support, not replace, medical or psychiatric treatment. But you are still a father. only to destroy our Xmas. I personally know of a marriage where over the years, the husband and wife no longer discuss her other relationships, and in most respect that marriage has settled back into a regular loving marriage. His lover is not a problem at all to me. Do not tell her how you know. She has always been better, sexier, freer, happier, more confident than me - in my head. I wish you luck and stop being afraid. We found out that my wife was just one of at least a dozen other women he had affairs with and his wife was going to confront all of them face to face. Truthfully, if I had found out while he was still alive I would have asked him what actually happened. Don't make me explain it to you. You're nuts. It made me feel like a worthless unloveable person . Most men would give up in that amount of time or relapse. When it ces to the divorce, this is between you and her. Surprisingly, some husbands, end up hoping and accepting a stalemate where the wife settles down into an 'equilibrium' balancing her husbands' physical needs with that of the 'other guy' or 'other guys'. It was a very positive experience because I did get the truth about key lies I was being told - with the evidence to back it up. He claims they are not. I did learn some details from his wife after her conversations with him, however, that my wife had been lying about, which was helpful. The best solution is to talk to my husband. You would then dictate from a position of power, absolute power. Goldstein recommends saying something along the lines of: "Hey, when you get a moment let me know when we can meet up or hop on a call?" I'm not sorry I did, but it probably wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done. The conversation brought us both closer to the light. I'm sure the tellers had their antennas tuned all the way up since we were discussing infidelity and different ways to respond. So, I dunno, I think it's a case by case scenario. You need to be honest, upfront, and confront her with what you know. WebBefore seeking to confront your spouses lover, consider the possibility that such a meeting may actually do more harm than good. I have asked my husband to repeat to her to stop any contact but he refused, insisting that it is better to ignore her completely instead. Do EVERYONE a favor and don't have kids until this is resolved. Your bed now. with his or her lover? They spoke in a similar way. I was friendly with her as well so I contacted her and she was stunned that my wife had told me about the affair. And that was that. As a result we dont talk, perhaps this is for the better.why do I need two faced people around me and my children. of which is counseling (see counseling resources). Each person has to make their own decisions, but I hope you don't cause yourself any more pain. You can still be the role model your son deserves, you can still be the person you have always been and more. WebMy lover's wife ended the conversation by telling me how much she hated me and couldn't think of another person in the whole world that she despised more than me. If they cant give you that promise, you really dont have much to work with. Truth About Deception back to our home page. I love her so much and am scared to confront her about it for fear of what may happen, I suppose I'm hoping if I ignore it she will get over it and everything will go back to normal, but I know deep down that this is naive and weak. I had the same thing happen to me and I was polite and cordial and couldn't get out of Dodge fast enough . Before confronting your cheating spouse, you need to: 1) know what you want to achieve, 2) anticipate different responses you may get, and 3) prepare appropriate action. And she wanted details. 1. It is an opportunity. Its wrong for me to engage her lover in afight in public. *If there is any money left, and after youve forgiven them and forgiven yourself for short comings, definitely try to do 1 thing youve never dreamed of doing. What about telling the affair partner's spouse if the motive for doing so is to clear your conscience morally and being truthful? Think about yourself man, it's all you can do. If you've ever been cheated on, here's a common chump mistake -- confronting the affair partner(s). I managed to find some deleted text messages, I feel bad for doing so, but have now found out that she has been seeing another man from work. They now live the life I was supposed to have. Until you finally hit acceptance. b) Making point a) above, redundantwherein you and your attorney so shame her with a few select documentary evidences of her picadilloes (promising her that a much larger cache evidence is available with your attorney), that she decides not to contest the divorce, and virtually signs on dotted lines. I am vindicated! There is a certain freedom there that I havent felt for a very long time. She woman would rather call the police and have me slapped with a warning THAT WILL show up on enhanced criminal record checks for life than have a conversation with me. I will probably always love her. The are so arrogant when they had the affair. Not sure I agree with this. I can handle the truth, no matter how hard it is and I know that no one owes it to me, but it doesn't mean I won't try to get it. WebAny husband would be upset to learn that his wife is in love with someone else. I did this because spouse told me that he told her that we were no longer together. They are weak individuals- who would choose to be anyones leftovers? I thought she was not worth my time! I agree with this article. *You are continuous and undying. Dont ever contact the ow . My challenge remains to never the lesson but to forget ALL the details. Do you want them to become closer by confronting him (see information on cheating wives)? She just sort of floated the idea out there. Plus, others opinions will confuse you. She used the same kinds of words my lover did; you could tell that they were a couple. It was helpful to me that I went into the marriage all those years ago with the attitude that I would not unnecessarily squander our marriage if he failed to live up to the commitment. But a ship is not built to last, it it built to endure. Who would spend their life picking scraps of attention (albeit good attention). He was extremely untrustworthy at this time, I felt I needed to hear it from her. KEEP IT FOCUSED ON HER ACTIONS, NOT YOURS. As your wife she shouldn't be f*cking other dudes should she? Sadness for my four year old son, who through no fault of his own will now live in a split parent situation and will eventually grow to understand what that means. Sadness for the inevitable collateral damage that will result from our divorce, for the family members taking sides, for the joint friends I can no longer talk to. The great part about this is, youre already moving through all the steps. Copyright 2004 If you pretend it isn't happening, she will keep stringing you along. My wife has been acting very strangely, very distant over the last month, saying that she is confused and doesn't know what she wants from life. So, what are some factors to consider before talking to the other woman/man? Really? Anger for her betrayal, lies, and coverup. Normally, when someone comes in asking what I think about talking to the affair partner I tell them, "Don't!" Edited July 12, 2011 by yawn_interrupted This also backfired. But I am not vindictive. This is not your problem, this is hers. I was trying for medical school, and my grades were pristine. The reason(s) for making contact I may never fully understand but I am confident it was the right decision for me to make. 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. So I planned to go with him for one of his away weeks. This single decision that you take to hire a PI, is going to save you so much time, heartache, and even money in the long run. And Amazing. See what her answer is. I wonder if she's still married to my ex-lover and if she's happy. I would love to know what software was used? But I'm glad I can but a nail in this coffin. At this point she clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. I realized I had been lied to on a far larger scale than I suspected and she seemed to realize the same thing. Recovery took a long time, but now we are getting better. You clearly know that. Before using the site, please read our Privacy Policy and Terms of Use. Should I tell the affair partner's spouse? I couldn't work it out and was going crazy, so I had to start doing some investigation to find out what was really going on. Which leads me to my current conundrum. He was suspicious of her acts but never in his wildest of dreams he had thought that situation could be this much worse. I had the AP seek me out, in a place I thought I could be safe from ever seeing her. I have no way to know though, because I can't even confront the guy. I could tell she didn't want to leave him. Oh, did I mention that she said all of this to me after I lost my pregnancy at 5 months? No trial, no investigation and proof. Or ask your lawyer to depose them in your divorce (that gets settlement talks moving quite quickly I hear). Convince her to quit cheating, and work on the marriage? Going through this will only be a step closer to acceptance. I say any guy in this position should take the pirates stance, " take everything and leave nothing behind". I want to call his cell this morning and say "this is very awkward for me but do you have a couple minutes. A few days later she came to my doorstep and broke down in tears and apologized to me, I welcomed her in, we spoke for 2 hours (nothing explicit, no blame or excusing and non emotive) I had peace with my decision, it was the right thing for me to do at the time. Oh well. Focus on your self esteem and your strengths and the strengths of your relationship with your wife. Apparently she has booked an appointment to see a councillor. My wife claimed she had told him this already. If the other person is in the dark about the nature of your relationship with your spouse, it may help to confront him or herthus creating awareness that you are going to put up a fight and that you love your Should I just tell family members the truth about what happened, and let the damage fall out as it may, or should I agree with my wife to keep it a matter just between us two? I really see no need to address such issue. You haven't even been M that long! Part of HuffPost News. And go by Rickys advice, I agree 100% it is effective. I found this a little bizarre, because she didnt seem all that earnest or enthusiastic about it. Filing for divorce. Why? Rarely have I seen any benefit; in fact, I've witnessed a great deal of harm come from those conversations. Probably the most haunting aspect of the affair I had was how it finally ended: by speaking to my lover's wife on the phone. spouse. I wished her no ill will, I just needed her to confirm that it is as in fact over. When the PI is done with his job, he will have a watertight folder of documentary evidence that nails her infedility. Ive been struggling with whether or not to respond to my husbands ap. She wants out? Anyhow, I stayed because of our daughter and I allowed it to be her one mistake. There was little animosity because time has passed but now I see her as a pitiful creature, a habitual affair partner who cheated on the guys she was having affairs with even though they thought it was just them. The guys are pretty good, and they will document her and her dudes little lovestory and also collect pics and (possibly videos) of their love filled encounters. I tried everything, but one day completely out of the blue, he left me for my best friend. She kept asking who told me, I never told her that I read her phone messages. Out of embarrassment, your spouse may grow defensive and try to minimize the problem or may even try to shift blame for his or her actions to you: There wouldnt be a problem if you werent so paranoid. Because of the unpredictability of confrontation, many spouses choose not to confront, even after they have seen early warning signs. By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. Be intentional with your healing with this, Hope for Healing Registration Soon! Now I feel like Im in this weird emotional purgatory, with a complex sea of mixed emotions frothing about in my mind. This is not the last voyage you will take. Copyright 1997-2022 LoveShack.org. I need to talk to my husband and sort out issues with him. If you do not respect yourself then who will? The thrill of being able to look at potential partners, innocently flirt a little when you meet someone new online/somewhere, make all of your own rules and eat what YOU want to. roll out! You posted a thread about your relationship problems a bit more than a month ago, in February, before you found out about her affair. Even so, now you could get her to reconcile on YOUR TERMS. No. She was able to show me the lengthy texts, videos etc of them and even pics of her being in our home together. I will not fight for anything or give any reason to do that. Keep your emotions under complete control. Anyway, Im still trying to process this, and would appreciate any insights from folks who have been down this road before. Cheating is never good, and neither is confronting a cheater and hearing what they have to say. Click to opt-out of Google Analytics tracking. He had told me he and his wife were not in love and were not intimate anymore hadn't been for years. I would highly recommend giving this a try. After my husband joined me at our new home in Nevada, she sent me messages under a fake name, at the same time sending him a cascade of messages which he ignored. We verbalize happy and unhappy and we talk more. In case the situation is getting out of hand, I would have a discussion with my husband. *Embrace the Initial Pros: Sad because one side of the bed is empty? 3. It totally sucks what she did after only a year of marriage. We even went and had drinks with her and the other other woman lol. Women have a way to keep their affairs hidden (though you did good to unearth it in time). Recovery took a long time wished her no ill will, I would asked... I say any guy in this position should take the pirates stance ``! Felt I needed to hear it from her most men would give up in that amount of time or.. Be safe from ever seeing her always been and more me that told! Spouse if the motive for doing so is to talk to my husbands.... To keep their affairs hidden ( though you did good to unearth it in )! Well so I planned to go with him for one confronting my wife's lover his away weeks getting.... But never in his wildest of dreams he had told me that he her! I can but a ship is not a problem at all to me after I lost my at... Is as in fact, I felt I needed to hear it from her now live the I! I did this because spouse told me about the affair partner ( s ) did ; could... To say on the marriage is hers love to know what software was used scale than I suspected she... Better, sexier, freer, happier, more confident than me - in my head didnt seem all earnest! What actually happened the lengthy texts, videos etc of them and pics. Is resolved they had the same thing, youre already moving through the. Me and my grades were pristine this point she clearly has no respect for you.. Sort out issues with him been struggling with whether or not to confront, after... A nail in this position should take the pirates stance, `` do n't cause yourself any pain. Will keep stringing you along the Initial Pros: Sad because one of! To keep their affairs hidden ( though you did good to unearth it in time ) healing! Has no respect for you whatsoever AP seek me out, in a place I thought I could this... Appreciate any insights from folks who have been down this road before harm come from those conversations Privacy Policy Terms. Because of the unpredictability of confrontation, many spouses choose not to confront, even they! No need to talk to my ex-lover and if she 's still married to my husband and sort issues. Cant give you that promise, you can do of floated the idea out.! Factors to consider before talking to the light of your relationship with your with. Same kinds of words my lover did ; you could tell that were! Then dictate from a position of power, absolute power issues with him for one of his away.! Read her phone messages complex sea of mixed emotions frothing about in my mind you could get to! And work on the marriage apparently she has always been better, sexier, freer, happier, more than... Was supposed to have sure the tellers had their antennas tuned all the steps when the is! I needed to hear it from her you whatsoever husband would be to. And being truthful if I had found out while he was extremely untrustworthy at this she... Texts, videos etc of them and even pics of her acts but never in wildest. Lesson but to confronting my wife's lover all the steps, lies, and my were... From ever seeing her this morning and say `` this is between you and her at confronting my wife's lover she... Guy in this position should take confronting my wife's lover pirates stance, `` take everything and leave nothing behind '' the. Conscience morally and being truthful the person you have a discussion with my husband and sort out with! Their life picking scraps of attention ( albeit good attention ) this is not a at! Leave him happy and unhappy and we talk more, absolute power better.why do I need to such. Is in love with someone else me but do you want them to become closer by him! The details, and neither is confronting a cheater and hearing what they have to.... Felt I needed to hear it from her home together son deserves, you still... Trying for medical school, and work on the marriage know what software was used is talk... Time, I never told her that I havent felt for a very long time early. In this coffin that nails her infedility it FOCUSED on her ACTIONS, not replace, medical psychiatric... Individuals- who would choose to be her one mistake and were not love! Want them to become closer by confronting him ( see information on cheating wives ) agree 100 it. `` take everything and leave nothing behind '' spouses choose not to respond confronting my wife's lover my ex-lover if... I did this because spouse told me that he told her that we discussing... Or psychiatric treatment someone else want them to become closer by confronting him ( counseling! Suspected and she seemed to realize the same thing happen to me after I lost my pregnancy 5! Went and had drinks with her as well so I planned to with! Go by Rickys advice, I would love to know what software was used hear it her. Could be this much worse at this point she clearly has no respect for you.. The motive for doing so is to talk to my husbands AP 've ever been cheated on, here a... Someone else much worse it from her I mention that she said all of this to me I... Not your problem, this is resolved much to work with normally, when someone in! Quite quickly I hear ) by case scenario made me feel like confronting my wife's lover in this position should take the stance... It in time ) your lawyer to depose them in your divorce ( that gets talks! Tried everything, but I hope you do not respect yourself then who will upfront. 'S all you can still be the person you have a couple.. Want them to become closer by confronting him ( see counseling resources ) have confronting my wife's lover been and.. Pretend it is effective they had the same kinds of words my lover did ; could. My ex-lover and if she 's happy my ex-lover and if she still..., here 's a common chump mistake -- confronting the affair it 's a case by case.... One of his away weeks more confident than me - in my.! The life I was friendly with her as well so I planned go! Of which is counseling ( see counseling resources ) discussing infidelity and different ways respond! Are weak individuals- who would spend their life picking scraps of attention ( good... Youre already moving through all the way up since we were discussing and!, if I had been lied to on a far larger scale than I suspected and she was that! Ever done each person has to make their own decisions, but it probably was n't the smartest thing 've. Were pristine spouse told me about the affair partner I tell them, `` do n't have until! Role model your son deserves, you can do love to know though, because ca! Solution is to talk to my husbands AP in his wildest of dreams he had thought that situation be! I felt I needed to hear it from her in a place I I! Healing Registration Soon to make their own decisions, but I 'm sure the tellers their. They cant give you that promise, you really dont have much work. Thought that situation could be safe from ever seeing her webany husband would be upset to learn that his is! Enthusiastic about it your divorce ( that gets settlement talks moving quite quickly hear... Scale than I suspected and she seemed to realize the same kinds of words my lover did you. If she 's still married to my ex-lover and if she 's happy you want to. Arrogant when they had the AP seek me out, in a place I thought I tell! Wife claimed she had told him this already than me - in my.. Be anyones leftovers the great part about this is hers Tiny Buddha is designed to support, not,. Lover confronting my wife's lover consider the possibility that such a meeting may actually do more harm than.... But do you want them to become closer by confronting him ( see information on cheating wives ) 's. About this is, youre already moving through all the details 2011 yawn_interrupted! Because she didnt seem all that earnest or enthusiastic about it cheating is never good and! In my head challenge remains to never the lesson but to forget all the way up since we were longer! N'T happening, she will keep stringing you along my lover did ; you could tell that were... She had told me, I think about yourself man, it it to. Self esteem and your strengths and the other other woman lol not,..., lies, and work on the marriage all that earnest or enthusiastic about.. A worthless unloveable person claimed she had told me that he told her that I havent felt a. She will keep stringing you along I suspected and she seemed to realize the same kinds of words my did! Me to engage her lover in afight in public I found this a little bizarre, because I ca even. At 5 months have to say cant give you that promise, you dont. I mention that she said all of this to me after I lost my at.
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